jill’s world.. in so many words

Counting the days until all my stuff arrives from florida… (Only 2 days left!!).. Thank goodness for my dad who is driving everything up here for me and saving me $2500 that I don’t have ..

I have been somewhat lost without my computer…I have memory cards full of pictures to post, and to be honest I feel a bit disconnected from things online.. I am thankful for good apps on my phone, but it just isn’t the same

So.. Next week I plan to make a lot of changes… I reallllllly don’t want to switch to blogger because I don’t want to change the link…but they let u do more things… We’ll see…

So the other day I drove up to the park I go to often with the kids, to see how the foliage was looking. (This park is surrounded by heavy woods). As I drive up the hill, I see beautiful yellows and reds that look like they were colored with Crayola markers, leaves laying on the ground surrounding the trees like each one was placed on purpose.. It was stunning! The only problem was I didn’t have my camera since I wasn’t really planning on going there when I left the house. Not a huge deal, I figured I would go back tomorrow (today) and get some great pics . So I snapped a quick one with my phone and headed home. For the rest of the night this is all I can think about.. These trees that I have only ever seen in magazines,(I’m sure I have actually seen them before growing up in boston and new hampshire, but I do not remember) and all the photographs I am going to take (in my head I can take much better pictures than I actually can).

The first time I left the house today (when I brought kira to school) I put my camera in the car, knowing, at some point I would go back to the park. I finally make it to the park early this afternoon and when we got there JJ made it known that he wanted to “PLAY!!!!” So I took him out of the car, put my camera around my neck, phone in my back pocket, and keys in the front, and headed up to the park on top of the hill. JJ played, I took pics, and everything was going well. We were the only ones in the whole park and all of a sudden I got this really uneasy feeling about the extreme quiet other than jj’s feet rustling through the leaves (I need to write a whole blog on this feeling.. I’ll do that tomorrow) so I decided it was time to ho down to a less wooded area. JJ and I walked around in the grass, and in the leaves for a good 45 minutes until he got hurt on a swing (nothing major, but he was tired) so I decided it was time to go.

We walked back to the car and I realize my keys are not in my pocket! The panic was INSTANT.. My heart is racing as I realize that my keys, to my locked car, are somewhere on the ground, surrounded by leaves, and grass, in this HUGE park in the middle of the woods! I am FREAKING out, dialing lots of people that would never be able to help me from far away, but needing to talk to someone to calm me down. I finally reached my sister and she did the best she could.

As I’m trying to trace our steps (mind you I am actually tracing steps of a very active one year old), some lifetime movie story lines are running through my head and I’m just waiting for someone to come out from the woods and murder JJ and I (yes, my mind really works like this..). Finally I look back through my camera to see if maybe I forgot one of the spots we were in, and I see a pic of a tree I had not yet searched near… I walk over to that tree and there are my keys.. Laying in the grass, where they must have fallen out of my pocket! .. Thank goodness I have a couple big key chains on it! Lesson learned today… If u have a clip on your keys.. USE IT!!

I can laugh now but really.. I was freaked out!

*Halloween, thanksgiving, and Christmas, right around the corner, then BAM…another year done! .. I started 2009 saying I wouldn’t be blogging anymore..so much for that! .. I learned my lesson though, and on we go.. Its amazing how time really does heal all wounds, even though at the time you feel like it will never get better!.. They are always there, under the first layer of heart skin, but wounds become memories, hopefully more good than bad.

*i know I say this a lot but I am so thankful for my friends..the other day I was driving, and thinking, (really, I don’t know how I get anywhere because whenever I am driving I am in another world, mind spinning about this and that)..and I started thinking about my last adventure in atlantic city, which made me think about sex on the beaches, and then kw, then the boardwalk with bobby, dave taking pictures, elaine screaming, backstage passes, mac n cheese falling in the hall with michelle, liz’s way to stretch pants, talks and hugs with chris, texts with jyl…and on and on as memories of the weekend flood my brain..dear god thomas don’t jump off the porch! … Then of course I have to take a picture of me thinking to post on flickr to let u all know I am thinking about you….and not an hour later I get the mail and there is a beautiful card letting me know I am loved… Cards mean so much to me..(my husband could never understand that)..and then about another hour later I get a phone call…”You are always welcome here”… I love you all, I really do… I’m not sure what I would do without you…

*i love to cuddle, and can’t wait to have a permanent cuddle partner…sex can come from anywhere, kisses and cuddles are what mean the most

*lies are never ending trails of bullshit…think about that before you get yourself involved in one

*i can not tell you how bad I want my computer up here!! There is only so much I can do on the phone!!..I can not wait to post real pictures,…ugh!!

*i love jj in footsie pj’s.. He is so snuggly

*lady gaga…love her..

*colbie calliat, STILL love her!

*i have not taken my team stephanie bracelet off since may..I don’t plan on it any time soon

*im taking the kids to the zoo in the morning and I just remembered I didn’t plug in my camera battery, but I am already in bed….sure hope there is enough time for it to charge in the am. There is no way I am getting up now.

Peace out

Well… Today is moving day.. Finally going to not be “staying with anyone”.. That feels good.
All my “stuff” is still in florida..but it still feels good to have my own place..
Its nothing out of better home and garden mag. But its mine (well.. Technically its the landlords) but I don’t want to purchase anything for atleast a year.. Until I am really sure this is the place to be.. So far it is.. But you never know.
Pennsylvania rentals don’t come with appliances.. That is odd..they all do in florida..
Another thing to get used to is the age of the homes around here.. Most everything I have lived in in fl. Was pretty close to brand new..
I like the character in the older homes..
I do NOT like the wood paneling that this house is filled with..not sure what paneling reminds me of.. But I don’t like it at all..
The landlord (wally..a retired vet that has a missle in his front yard infront of his flagpole) said I could paint the paneling white if I wanted to.. I plan on doing that SOON. .. Its brand new paneling.. But still.. Why on earth anyone would put this in a house is beyond me. ( I really hope I am not somehow offending anyone reading this.. If u like the stuff that’s fine with me.. But I don’t care for it) …
This move got me in more of a financial mess than I would like to admit.. Came damn close to losing my car..
This embarasses me but I’m trying to get out of the mindset that I need to come off as having lots of money..I’m not sure why I think like that.. I know my friends love me for me..but I always feel like I need to pretend everything is always great and I’m just floating through life.. Its not great, and I’m far from floating.. I know it will be ok.. One day at a time..
New lifestyle is all.. And it will take some getting used to I’m sure.. I have never been on a budget and up until the last year, have never had to worry about much of anything. I am lucky that I had it that good for as long as I did.. But in a way wish that I had learned to save, budget, and not spend money like water years ago! All of the things happening right now are good things.. Life lessons that have to be learned at some point..

One of the biggest things I have learned through this move is that change is good (even if it does not seem to be at first) .. This has been the biggest change I have ever made as an adult and the way I did it was kind of crazy, not very well planned, and the complete opposite of how I normally do things..
And I wouldn’t change it for anything…
Sometimes big changes can not be well thought out..
Just go for it..
If it doesn’t work out, go for something else.. Until your heart tells you its right..

i am not keeping up with blogs..
i am not keeping up with flickr.. .
not making all the phone calls i should be..
facebook… forget it.. i am so far behind there, i may NEVER catch up.. i dont like the format though.. commenting on pics is not enjoyable.. someone needs to make it more user friendly or something.. i dont know, maybe i am just cranky because i feel so out of touch with everyone..

i miss you all so much.. hopefully life will get back to normal sometime soon..

xo

I have so much shit to update.. There is no way to do it other than random..

* we have been in Pa about 3 weeks now.. Loving every second of it.. Lots to get used to but change is good

* Kira started 4th grade 2 weeks ago. She loves her new school and all her teachers. Big change from Florida where her school had about 1200 children in grades K-5th.. This school has 325 in the same grades. When we went to orientation they knew as soon as she walked in the door that she was “kira from florida” I loved that. No numbers to identify students.. They are called by name. Kira joined the band and will be playing the flute.. She is excited. She also has dance about 6 hours per week. My plan was to bring her here and keep her busy..

*our schedule is kind of crazy..
Mondays I have tap (jenny has talked me in to taking the class.. I think it will be fun) tuesday morning JJ has his mommy and me gym class and kira has cheer.. Wednesday I think is kira gymnastics thursday is ballet, hip hop, jazz and tap for kira..fridays are our off day.. Have to have room for girl scouts or whatever else comes up .. I like busy.. It keeps a routine.. I need routine. Without it I fall apart.

* tims work schedule is CRAZY.. Crazy for me anyway.. We have always had 9-5 jobs.. Never shift work.. But the company he is working for runs 24 hours per day so he rotates 6am-2pm, 2pm-10pm, and 10pm-6am, a week of each.. VERY hard to get used to but the kids and I pretty much do our own thing and he is just kind of there.. I like it that way

* I shouldn’t talk that way.. This job and tims kindness is allowing me to not work and be able to enjoy the kids and go back to school.. I know how lucky I am.. Really I do.. But still.. He is an ex for a reason

*i was accepted to the art institute of pittsburgh for photography.. Still not sure if I am going to go with that..

* on my way to ohiopyle state park.. Look it up on flickr.. It is beautiful..

More later..

Well.. Here I go..
About a year and a half ago I was all set to move to Pa.
I got scared
I do that a lot..
So I started looking for all sorts of reasons not to move,
Ignoring all the reasons I SHOULD.
So, I didn’t go
Fear won…story of my life..

Well you know what?.. I am SO sick of fear fucking with things!.. I’m over it.. What is the worst that could happen?.. If it doesn’t work out, ill make another plan..
I REFUSE to look back later on in life and have regrets..
RE-FUSE!

So.. Here’s the plan..
Within the next week or so Tim will go up to Pa. (Just south of Pittsburgh).. And once he is in and settled with work, then I will follow with the kids.. We will probably get a place together at least for a while.. No we are not back together..and I understand if the thought of me living with my ex is weird to you all.. But it works..who else is lucky enough to get along well enough with an ex to be able to live together?.. Not many people, ill tell you that much.
And its best for all of us.. That’s all the explaining ill do on that.. I’m sorry if it doesn’t make sense..
The question I hear most is “what if you meet somebody?” well.. Here’s the thing with that..
To my online family I am very much out and not ashamed of who I am.. In my every day “non-online” life it is very different.. I am afraid of the kids teachers finding out.. I am PETRIFIED to have the talk with kira.. Although my parents both know, it still makes me very uncomfortable.. I would die if half of the patients at work knew..and lord, they wouldn’t let me come near them if they did… its hard to explain… but it will probably be quite some time before I could be in a normal relationship with anyone anyway…if the world were full of people like the people that read this things may be different.. But for now.. Its not. I have accepted this, and the fact that there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it.

So that’s that.. Pennsylvania here I come..

I went to the beach with the kids today
We swam in the ocean
I can’t tell you how long its been since I did more than put my feet in
Its amazing how memories of my childhood flood back to me at the very instant salt water touches my lips (or gets in my eyes for that matter, hee hee)
Other than the one year I lived in new hampshire when I was 8, I have never lived more than a few miles from the ocean..and most of the time it was right out my front door.
I know I am lucky because of this. My mom has always said how important it was to her, to live near the ocean, and up until the last few years, I honestly never got it.. I always just thought she liked to be tan.
I think I get it now…
the only thing I can think to compare it to is when you’re with someone you love and the rest of the world disappears.
When you could be in a crowd of millions, and you look into their eyes, and all the noise fades, and all you can see or hear is them…
When I sit in the sand and close my eyes, the rest of the world disappears, any problems or troubles seem solvable, and nothing else really matters…
Its totally not realistic
But it is an escape of sorts
When life is too much
Or when life is going ok, and you need a push to go for the next goal.
The ocean is loyal, it will always be there, in the same spot you saw it last
Waiting for your return..
The ocean is not going anywhere..
But I am..

Blog on that coming soon

So many things to talk about…
Too many to even make a random post..

My cousin heather got married tonight.
The wedding was magical
Each table at the reception was labled with a different important date in their relationship..
I was at 10-27-05..first kiss…I thought that was a sweet idea.
She was a beautiful bride.
Made me want to get married again…for a minute

There are parts of my job that I really hate..being the money girl…hate that..
Anything to do with patients and money is given to me..so at the end of the visit I am the hated one…I don’t deal well with being hated….especially since half the time, I know damn well they don’t owe as much as I am being told to collect…I will not last much longer

The idea of moving out of state has come up again..
Just an idea at this point…I don’t even know where to start…
I have family, or people I consider family, in Boston, Pittsburgh, Raleigh (or somewhere near there anyway), and Athens, ga……oh, and soon ill have family in Indianapolis..half of this “family” I mention, I don’t even talk to..so really, why does it matter? .. But seriously..I’ve always wondered how people relocate..in this economy, I suppose it would depend highly on employment

….I’ve had this screen up for two days…I’m just not feeling’ it I guess

You know when you use a yellow highlighter on pencil?..yea, I hate that!

*my boss called the vet and asked if they treat primates because his monkey has erectile dysfunction…it was VERY funny

*kira wants her birthday party at the bowling alley this year.. I’ve never had it anywhere but the house..I think it will be less stressful though

*vaginal rejuvenation.. I just recently learned about this..some people will go to CRAZY lengths for vanity!

*somebody should come up with BRAIN rejuvenation!

*I wish I was more girly

*I do not find “perfect” (or what society thinks is perfect anyway) bodies attractive…honestly..I’m not kidding

*I seriously need new contacts..I can’t see shit

*sexual fluidity …. I must get the book

*I miss my friends..I like kellyg’s idea of a compound that we can all live on

*I wonder what victoria’s secret was? I hear victoria was a man.. Think its true?

*if I go to the gym, and eat burger king afterwards, is that ok?

*I think maybe I am destined to be the “big girl”…maybe skinny isn’t all its cracked up to be

*I’d give just about anything to be loved like I love her…and one day I will be..I am confident…negativity is ugly

*I’m scared of going to a female therapist because I’m afraid I will end up with some weird crush on her like on the sopranos

*I want another tattoo…coming soon

Not feeling the random flow too much today…ill try again later